A serious relationship is not enough; get one that is seriously good.
Most of the material you can find on this topic is oriented toward heterosexual women only and fails to differentiate between seriously good and seriously bad relationships. Serious relationships that are bad can be seriously scary and miserable. However, there are signs that apply to men or women, of whatever sexual orientation, that point to a seriously good relationship.
One and Two -- "You Make Me" and Grand Gestures
Narcissists know do all the right things, but they are pathologically selfish and controlling. Two signs that you have not hooked up with a narcissist are the absence of "you make me" statements and the presence of small, day-to-day courtesies. Good partners take responsibility for their emotions. For example, if he is happy, he says "I feel happy," not "You make me feel happy." If "you make me feel happy," then "you" also can "make me angry" as opposed to "I am angry." And if your partner is great with grand gestures, a specialty of narcissists, like trips and expensive gifts, be sure that these grand gestures are reflected in day-to-day relations that are attentive and not controlling.
Three and Four -- Public and Private
Intimacy that is accompanied by communication, gentleness and respect is a very good sign. The opposite also is true: no respect equals bad sign. Private intimacy, contrary to the steamy struggling so popular among scriptwriters and bodice-ripper authors, should be a time of increased communication. Your partner needs to check in at each stage of intimacy to see what is and is not okay. Likewise, when you are in public together, a partner who doesn't take liberties with you in public displays of affection that make you uncomfortable is a thoughtful partner; one who does take liberties may need to be reassessed.
Five and Six -- Friends and Money
A good relationship does not fear either friends or independence. A promising partner does not become insecure about your friends or time spent outside your immediate relationship. Likewise, a promising partner, one who is not obsessed with control, will not seek to establish control over your money. Partners who exhibit either kind of control, over friends or money, will not likely get better with time.
Seven and Eight -- Listening and Teasing
When you two are alone, do you talk? When you talk, is he listening to you or is your partner waiting for his turn to say what he wants to say? A good sign is when the conversation can meander based on listening, as opposed to being put back "on message." Does your partner tease instead of talk? Gentle teasing can be a sign of intimacy, but teasing in lieu of talking is a sign of discomfort with intimacy; and constant teasing can be a form of aggression.
Nine and Ten -- Friends 'n Family and Frustration
Physical attraction can blind people to flaws that are apparent to those who don't share that endocrine rush. If everyone among your friends and family expresses reservations about your partner, listen very carefully and compare what they say to what the person you are attracted to does. If your partner has a personality change when you two are in the presence of others, it is a warning. One thing that troublesome partners may do is express frustration and anger only in private -- and then aggressively.
Tags: feel happy, seriously good, your partner, about your, control over